10 years and what happened...

I'm sitting here just like I did 10 years ago. 10 years has gone by. Last time my kids where younger and dependant on me. Then I had no choice then helping them the best I could.
Now I am depending on them. I'm not sure if I really like that idea.
At that time the painmeds where something I couldn't dare to be without. Most of the time thoughts was chasing me..think of some doc get the idea-you don't need any painmeds !
Today I am sort of different. I have tried so long to manage without the painmeds.
I know what they do to me. They wear me down from inside out. I can feel them do what they can for my pain. That is not much, but it makes me feel a bit more living.
But they also mess with my head, make all cells tired and all my muscles sore.
I know that they are in one meaning like poison. But right now I prefer to get the poison.
Though they don't do much for me, they at least let my body rest a bit.
Pain is for the body like you are chased of a murderer and desperate runs for your life to try to save you from a evil death. But sometimes it's hard to choose if I want to be chased by a murderer or slowly wear me down of poison. It's like pest or cholera.
Tonight though I am both chased by a murderer and poisoned. Feels like a living dead.
Then it's hard to look at life from the bright side and look forward to tomorrow.