Understanding buddies

I remember the first meeting I had with my understanding buddy. That was in 2007 late August.
I took the flight to Birmingham to meet a girl that has RSD just like me. I had never met anyone with same condition. Maybe weird to fly all the way to UK just to meet one with same diagnos.
But to be honest, I didn't know anyone with the same.
It was a nervous flight because I didn't know what to expect, how to react. Did she look like an Alien just like I did ? Or did she look sort more of normal ?
But there she stood at the airport looking just like me. With a big brace on her left knee just like me. But on crutches and me in wheelchair of course.
I don't think I have ever looked at someone else in the special way I did...and she looked me in my eyes. Then she gave me a big bright smile and leaned over and hugged me hard for a long time. I hugged her back and we just did that for a long while.
No words was needed. I had found my buddy in pain.

10 years and what happened...

I'm sitting here just like I did 10 years ago. 10 years has gone by. Last time my kids where younger and dependant on me. Then I had no choice then helping them the best I could.
Now I am depending on them. I'm not sure if I really like that idea.
At that time the painmeds where something I couldn't dare to be without. Most of the time thoughts was chasing me..think of some doc get the idea-you don't need any painmeds !
Today I am sort of different. I have tried so long to manage without the painmeds.
I know what they do to me. They wear me down from inside out. I can feel them do what they can for my pain. That is not much, but it makes me feel a bit more living.
But they also mess with my head, make all cells tired and all my muscles sore.
I know that they are in one meaning like poison. But right now I prefer to get the poison.
Though they don't do much for me, they at least let my body rest a bit.
Pain is for the body like you are chased of a murderer and desperate runs for your life to try to save you from a evil death. But sometimes it's hard to choose if I want to be chased by a murderer or slowly wear me down of poison. It's like pest or cholera.
Tonight though I am both chased by a murderer and poisoned. Feels like a living dead.
Then it's hard to look at life from the bright side and look forward to tomorrow.

All is not as you always have believed in...

And when you discover that it's just like someone take all air out of your lungs or take away the piece of the ground that is right under you in that moment. You fall down in the underground deep down where all is nothing but dark. You look for some matches to light up with but don't find any. All you have is this big dark around you.
That is what happened to me today.
I don't know, maybe I have too good thoughts about other people and that makes me to a big fool when I discover it's not like that.
Maybe I am a big fool when I believe in other people ?
I hate to feel disappointed when I am already feeling low. Why did this have to happen now ?

There is a bright side.....FRIENDS !

Sadness within my heart and soul
Digged a neverending deep hole
Suddenly sun lights dark land
Friends reach a helping hand
I'm back to live my life
No more carving knife

Yes what would we do without friends that comes and bring us back to living life when all we see is a big black hole that seems to be digged deaper and deaper ?
I have a lot to thank my friends for and I hope that they feel I am there for them too when they need someone. I am on my way back again to live life...at least in soul.

I am not a drugaddicts...don't judge me !

Why is everyone so afraid for morphine and that kind of meds ? And why do people judge me as someone guilty in a trial everytime when my morphine use is discussed ?
So sick and tired of being treated like a drugjunkie !
I have to use my meds to survive and to not lay screaming in pain. My allergies take away all other meds that can be used on nervpain. So this is what is left.
Even if I call the health center to ask for something nurses that answers have a special kind of tone when I mention what meds I am on or what I need.
When I went on a boat 2 days ago the passport police stopped and looked me both once and twice in my eyes like hey what unlegal are you up to ???
Just cause my pupils are smaller then normal.
It's time to change the thinking and the talking around meds that are necessery, no matter what kind of meds it is.
Yes, there are persons using morphine to get high and get the kick they want....but I am not one of them. Don't look at me like I am a drugjunkie. Instead understand that my life without morphine would be a disaster. I just want to live just like you.

Are we friends in all weather or not ?

A very touching topic is friends and family when you are out for an accident, get very sick or like me out for accident and have to life with persisting severe pain.
You can never be sure if friends and family will stick by your side when the unexpected happens.
You can never blame a person for why they don't stay when you need them as most.
I have find a number of reasons why friends and family suddenly disappear:
1. They are afraid of talking about their problems with you cause they believe you have enough and they also think that their problem is something minor compared with yours(but that is not the truth).
2. They are afraid of meeting you. They don't know how to talk with you, how to approach. If they can laugh or if they should meet you with a lower tone.
3. They don't know if they should ask how you feel. And if they should take up at all what has happened with you.

So instead many choose to slowly disappear. And I do understand them. It's not easy how to act against a person that is out for something terrible.
But I do want to tell you something in all that you should know. We are all still the same person deep down no matter if we have lost a function, if we have lost someone dear or whatever we have been out for.
No questions are dumb, no acting are dumb. But please don't leave us in the misery on our own.
It's now we really need you. I always think of the song "That's what friends are for".

And I never thought I'd feel this way
And as far as I'm concerned
I'm glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe I love you
And if I should ever go away-ay
Well then close your eyes and try
Feel the way we do today
And then if you can remember

Keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me-ee, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more-ore
That's what friends are for

Well you came and opened me
And now there's so much more I see
And so by the way I thank you
Woh, and then for the times when we're apart
Well then close your eyes and knowT
he words are comin' from my heart
And then if you can remember

It's 2010....

It feels so odd to be back again in the life of painmeds, being tired and just drop off when speaking with someone when the eyes don't wanna stay open. I try to understand that this is now and not 10 years ago when I had my first very big flare of RSD/CRPS pain.
But there are differences that makes me realize that I am not totally crazy thinking I am 10 years younger. My kids are sort of grown up. I don't have to be the one who makes food and take care of them 24/7. Now they instead take care of me. I can more relax in knowing that the world doesn't go under if I haven't the strenght to cook some food and I don't have to take them out on different occasions. I can just be me........ .

PAIN

Slowly, slowly filling me up.
Gently touching me, makes more then enough.
I got you from one second to another
You made life crazy, you made me sadder
You also made me rich,
Wisedom of myself, but you were no wish
I don't know if I hate you
I can never regret you, that is the truth
You will be with me now
You will be with me tomorrow, my own sorrow
Pain is your name
Not leaving me alone, more of insane
You can have pain of sorrow and pain in soul
But no matter pain always dig a deep,deep hole

Live or not Live

Snow coming down like a flash of pain
Seconds crashing my hope with a burning flame
I see my future come and go
There's distance between live and let go
Fire is time after time hitting my brain
Love makes me conquer the neverending pain
I want my lovely days to stay longer
Maybe that would make me stronger
But pain keep nagging my wish come true
Oh love make me survive out in the blue

Pain gives me a reason to wanna cry
Sometimes inside feels like something die
Live or not live
Pain is the point that hits again and again.
Like in my brain to a never ending rain
Live or not live

Days become nights and nights become weeks
Pain will never more grow and hope will be
There is a hope deep still deep inside of me
There is a future with a strong bright destiny
Limits will be thrown on a planet of garbage
Left there to blame mad at one each other
Stay there forever together with no way out
No need to have we manage not any doubt
Future now come back to me and let me live
No matter what happens I still have my will

Pain gives me a reason to wanna cry
Sometimes inside feels like something die
Live or not live
Pain is the point that hits again and again.
Like in my brain to a never ending rain
Live or not live